Sorry.

Things have been really busy and plus also I suck at blogging.

But I have been doing other worthwhile things with my time. So that makes me feel better.
Anyway. Here ya go. April and May still standing links.

Oh and also this is super cool. And I got to be a part of it. Which makes it even cooler.
And you can buy it now. And I think you should.

xoxo

J

Speaking of links

Here's this.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/03/trying/

Motherload of resources

So I was contacted a couple of weeks ago by a wonderful woman named Rebecca who wanted to list my blog in an article highlighting online resources for grief and loss. How cool, right?
I was happy to help! So I was excited to see the list when the article was posted. Holy crap. It really is a super comprehensive guide to available resources such as websites, blogs, organizations - you name it. Even cooler, she's broken the links (all 115 of them) into categories that make it super easy to navigate all of that information. Enough of my rambling, here it is!

http://www.mastersincounseling.org/loss-grief-bereavement.html

Reasons I Cry

I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy, sad, angry, and afraid.
I cry a lot for her. For a host of reasons. And I've decided to start documenting those reasons.

Today I cried at work. I cried because I am sad that I didn't unwrap her. Although I looked at her fingers and toes, like most parents, I didn't look at her whole body. And I wish I could go back in time just to see all of her. I'd do everything over again, just for that.

I thought of that today randomly while sitting at my desk. That's grief. It's random. And it's an asshole.

Still Standing

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/balance/

Forgot to post this. Life has been crazy.

Dude, February...

How the hell did you get here?
Please be kind. And gentle if you can.


I'll try not to blink. And maybe write some more.

xoxo

J

Scrooge.

The holidays suck.  I said it. They suck. From Halloween to New Year’s Day. There is just no better way to say it. ‘Tis the season, right?
But if you’re grieving, this season brings much more than costumes and Christmas trees.   It brings a great deal of reflection and pain and sadness and a host of other emotions.  I’d like to think I’ve come to terms with that. So now, my job is to try to make it suck less. I was recently asked about ideas for surviving the holiday season in grief, to which my response was simply “Vodka.”
I was half joking, but only half joking.  Because you know what? If vodka works, go for it. If doing the big family gatherings helps, do it. If it makes things worse, stay home. Host Thanksgiving if you want. Boycott the turkey all together if that works. Put up a tree, if you’d like. Be a scrooge if you need to.  
Whatever helps you survive is okay. No matter what that may be. It’s simply about survival. And I think we need to grant ourselves permission to do whatever works.

If I am still breathing, not institutionalized, not incarcerated and halfway functional come January 2^nd – I have succeeded. And that…is good enough for me.

Last year was my first Christmas after Jocelyn died. It should have been her first. It was terrible. I bought some toys for a family in need. Money I would have spent on her. I ordered an ornament for our tree. I hung it tearfully and thought of my sweet girl. She had a stocking on our mantle. It remained empty.

I did things to try to lessen the blow of Christmas without my daughter. Some days it helped. Other days, not so much.

This year, I haven’t done any of that. It’s just where I’m at. I can’t find her stocking. And that’s okay. I put the tree up because my son deserves that. I hung her ornament. I didn’t buy a new one. I’ve bailed on shopping with my family, and ordered everything online instead. From my bed. In my pajamas. And it was wonderful. Because that’s what I needed. 
I’m planning to do Christmas at home and keep it low key. And if I change my mind a dozen times in the next few weeks, so be it.  If anyone takes issue with what I need to do in order to survive, let them.

‘Tis the season for survival mode. And I’m in it.