Broken

bro·ken  (brkn)
adj.
1. Forcibly separated into two or more pieces; fractured
2. Sundered by divorce, separation, or desertion 
3. Having been violated
4.a. Incomplete
   b. Being in a state of disarray; disordered
5.a. Intermittently stopping and starting; discontinuous
   b. Varying abruptly
   c. Spoken with gaps and errors
6. Topographically rough; uneven
7.a. Subdued totally; humbled
   b. Weakened and infirm
8. Crushed by grief
9. Not functioning; out of order




I am broken.
I've said it many times, to many different people, in many different contexts.
And generally those people spend the minutes after that comment trying to convince me that I'm not broken and explain to me why.
But I can't understand that either. Because I'm FUCKING BROKEN, people!
Then these same people, who are in their own denial about my brokenness, expect unbroken behavior from me. Unbroken feelings and unbroken thoughts.
They want me to be unbroken. Why? Because it's easier for them? Or maybe because then they think that they too can stay unbroken? That if life should (god forbid!) serve them the same shit sundae it has served me, that they could somehow stay unbroken too.

It's all crap. I am broken. I do not and will not ever think like I used to. Feel like I used to. I don't have the same beliefs or attitudes. I think crazy shit. I say and do crazy shit. I'm irrational. I'm unfair. I'm unreasonable.

I am broken. And that, at least for now, has to be okay.